My prayer in 2002 planted the seed of my current ministry.
On August 5, 2002, when I was on my knees crying out to God in desperation, shattered from navigating patterns of abuse I couldn’t name at the time, I prayed this prayer in my journal.
God, I want to surrender my heart to You. . .I need you to show me how my heart is supposed to work. I want to learn how I am supposed to use my heart to love. All kinds of love. Please teach me, Lord. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
23 years later, I now understand the phrase—“Be careful what you pray for.”
Ooof. Even back then I knew learning how to love went beyond the specific situation I was grappling with, yet this was going to be a tall order that would take way longer than a season of heartache to unravel.
This prayer would launch me into a wilderness season that would include 23 years of navigating tests of my faith that would give me the opportunity to learn how to love, all kinds of love.
This would mean, I would have countless opportunities to learn how to love my enemies, as I walked through deep-rooted betrayals, patterns of abuse, manipulated truth, lies against my character, rejection and more.
And all of this would lead to a moment of clarity in 2023, when the “scales fell off my eyes” and I could see more clearly— The enemy was using my “idols” to blind me.
I was chasing love, identity and validation in all of the wrong places, instead of finding it in Jesus, who had been there all along, calling me “home” to Him in the whispers that we miss when the noise of this world (pain, injustice, suffering, hardship, performance pressure) gets loud.
Giving God my whole heart.
When we rest in God’s truth, we learn to love like Jesus loves—from a more healthy place of humility, not a wounded place of pride and shame.
Once I gave God my whole heart, He began uprooting the patterns of pride (judgement) and shame (condemnation) this world conditioned within me, and began cultivating a more humble heart posture (curiosity) so I could learn to love with my whole heart.
“And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so that you will follow my decrees and be careful to obey my regulations.”
Ezekiel 36:26-27 NLT
This process is continuous. We never really get it “right” because the point is to have a relationship with Jesus, allowing Him to mold us, shape us, and form us so we bear Him image more than this world’s.
He has this beautiful, wild, abundant garden for us that unfolds over time, and the enemy makes it his mission to kill, steal and destroy this abundance through subtle decoys.
I had to spend time with God in “My Unruly Garden” (heart space) learning how to love myself first, so I could see myself the way He created me to be; not the way this world conditioned me to be, through years of silent suffering through patterns of abuse; patterns that I can now name after 8 years of counseling and 23 years of God writing my testimony.
And we continue to peel back the layers of conditioning, one painful, yet cathartic petal at a time.
Unearthing the relics of my past.
After I filed for divorce in the summer of 2023, before I even had this theme or project He gave me, I was pouring over old journals to unearth the relics of my past.
My heart wasn’t just in broken pieces; it was pulverized, and I was desperate and exhausted. I needed to figure out why I kept repeating the same cycles.
Why did I keep pouring myself into people who continued to deeply betray me? And I refused to play the victim. I needed to understand this because I knew it was my own decisions and disobedience to God’s instruction that kept leading to my own downfall.
As I read this prayer in my journal entry from 23 years ago, tears began streaming down my face and this led to an uncontrollable wail.
I didn’t have words for it at that point. Looking back, I now know this was Romans 8:26-28 actively unfolding to align me with His will that I am just now discovering 23 years later. Most Christians love verse 28, but I find the most impact in verse 26, because half the time we don’t know what we need, but our Heavenly Father does and the Holy Spirit is our advocate who groans for us in the uncertainty. As I continue to step out in blind faith, I find so much comfort in this, as I rest in God’s love and grace.
“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
Romans 8:26-28
God’s love for us is beyond comprehension
God’s love and its effect on the human heart is a complexity that I will continue to spend the rest of my life (and ministry) studying.
And I look forward to planting the seeds of God’s love that I’ve collected and, will continue to collect, to learn how to love, all kinds of love.
I leave you with this scripture and my prayer for us:
“And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”
Ephesians 3:18-19 NLT
From ”My Unruly Garden” to yours,
Stacey